


オイ-メシ!! ~simple japanese homestyle cooking~

by gamblers



Series: senpai is graduating but he still hasn't noticed me yet [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Elaborate Scams, Fat Shaming, Gen, Second-Hand Embarrassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:01:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24262504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamblers/pseuds/gamblers
Summary: Kunimi aimed a kick at his leg. “Come on. Introduce us.”Kindaichi gestured uselessly. “Um. We run a spa.”“We operate a chain of beauty and wellness facilities,” Kunimi chirped. “And we have nine locations across the country.” He faced the cameraman with a wide, TV-ready smile. It was the most energy Kindaichi had seen him exude in about two months. “Currently you are standing with us in our stylish Jiyuugaoka location. Here we have a multi-level facility complete with three workout gyms and saunas, a penthouse spa home to our award-winning esthetician services, and dedicated hardwood courts for squash, volleyball, and badminton. That’s in addition to one classic indoor track, and one Olympic swimming pool.”More unbranded sunshine spilled into the air. “That’s some advertisement, Kunimi-chan. Too bad we’ll have to cut most of that out. Or you’ll have to pay me a sponsorship fee.”Oikawa winked at Kindaichi, who did not wink back.
Relationships: Kindaichi Yuutarou/Oikawa Tooru
Series: senpai is graduating but he still hasn't noticed me yet [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/58040
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	オイ-メシ!! ~simple japanese homestyle cooking~

**Author's Note:**

> originally i meant to write this for day 3 (celebrity AU) of [Haikyuu Rarepair Week 2020](https://haikyuurarepairweek2020.tumblr.com/). in the end i felt bad about the premise and delivered some oikawa/tsukishima beef curry romance instead. you can read the flash fic on ffn: ["(not) in the mood for love"](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13569338/1/not-in-the-mood-for-love).
> 
> this is almost entirely based on mizushima hiro’s self-produced cooking show and [his vlog](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPKy3Ri6buU) about playing soccer in high school, towards both of which i clearly had some unresolved feelings for. some parts of the dialogue were directly lifted from the conversation between his old teammates. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Oikawa asked to borrow the court over Instagram, which would have been fine, generally speaking. What made it not fine was the inherent suspicion attached to a celebrity handle with 1.2 million followers, sending a DM out of the blue to somebody as random as Kindaichi. But it was also Oikawa Tooru, whom he had idolized throughout his most formative years spent crying on a volleyball court. How was Kindaichi supposed to react? Was he even allowed to refuse?

Currently, Oikawa was pissing unbranded sunshine into the camera. “For today’s video, I thought it would be fun to show you guys how I stay in shape. Joining me are two of my favourite kouhai, from my high school club. Let’s introduce them now!! This is Kindaichi.”

“Hello, I’m Kindaichi.” He bowed his head.

“And this is Kunimi.”

Kunimi bowed as well. “This is Kunimi. It’s good to have you with us, Oikawa-senpai.” He seemed generally more relaxed than Kindaichi in front of the camera, probably because he was doing this out of contractual obligation. “Kindaichi is the owner of the company. I help him out with our marketing strategy.”

“That’s great, it’s so good to see my underclassmen thriving. While we are at it, why don’t you introduce my viewers to your company?” said Oikawa.

“...”

“What’s this, why isn’t Mr. CEO speaking up? Kindaichi, you need Kunimi-chan to do all the talking for you?”

Kunimi aimed a kick at his leg. “Come on. Introduce us.”

Kindaichi gestured uselessly. “Um. We run a spa.”

“We operate a chain of beauty and wellness facilities,” Kunimi chirped. “And we have nine locations across the country.” He faced the cameraman with a wide, TV-ready smile. It was the most energy Kindaichi had seen him exude in about two months. “Currently you are standing with us in our stylish Jiyuugaoka location. Here we have a multi-level facility complete with three workout gyms and saunas, a penthouse spa home to our award-winning esthetician services, and dedicated hardwood courts for squash, volleyball, and badminton. That’s in addition to one classic indoor track, and one Olympic swimming pool.”

More unbranded sunshine spilled into the air. “That’s some advertisement, Kunimi-chan. Too bad we’ll have to cut most of that out. Or you’ll have to pay me a sponsorship fee.”

Oikawa winked at Kindaichi, who did not wink back.

They did their warm-up stretches on some mats laid out next to the hardwood floor. Kindaichi kept his gaze trained anywhere but on the camera. Even during their school days, he had shied away from the flashbulbs of sports journalists that barged into the Aoba Johsai sanctum sanctorum at the drop of an injured kneecap. Out of everyone, he had thought Oikawa could relate. But that was before he got to know the fanclub persona, the boyfriend persona, and how much of Oikawa’s agreeable attitude had been nothing but an elaborate scam.

The elaborate scam flashed the camera a victory sign. “It may have been over 15 years ago, but believe it or not, I was quite good at this game.”

Oikawa’s cameraman turned to Kindaichi. “What was Oikawa-san like in high school?”

Kindaichi froze. He searched his brain for charitable descriptions of Oikawa Tooru that didn’t come off as forced, or too fake, or overly creepy.

“He was _super_ good,” Kunimi said easily, “and we were all jealous of how popular he was with the girls. Honestly, I never stopped looking up to Oikawa-san. He was a cool senpai, and he had a great attitude about the game.”

Kindaichi tried not to grimace. That damned Kunimi, he was too good at lying through his teeth.

“Oi, what’s this,” Oikawa laughed disbelievingly. “Are you trying to pay off a debt, Kunimi?”

The camera panned back to Kindaichi expectantly.

“This might sound fake,” he mumbled, looking into the distance at the volleyball net. “But, you know how there are famous people on TV nowadays, who talk about how they used to play a certain sport in school and how good they were at this or that. I think Oikawa-san was so skilled that it would be rude to compare those people to him.”

Off to the side, he could feel Oikawa staring at him.

They played a few games after that, 3-on-3s against a group of Kindaichi’s teammates from college. Just like old times, Oikawa set for him. It was the only part of the day Kindaichi finally managed to enjoy.

When Oikawa’s cameraman went for a cigarette break, Kindaichi turned to Oikawa, who had been exhausting multiple camera takes to recreate his legendary jump serve. Oikawa was breathing hard from the exertion. Droplets of sweat fell down his neck and traced the curve of his back. Kindaichi looked away and swallowed, willing himself not to stare so obviously.

“I guess Iwaizumi-senpai couldn’t make it?”

“What’s that?” Oikawa paused in the middle of spinning the ball between his hands. “Ah, yeah. Iwa-chan told me to ‘Fuck off, Crappykawa, because he’d sooner die than fake-compliment me in front of some strangers on the internet!’ Some people never change, eh? Not everybody gets to age so gracefully.”

That night, Kindaichi went online to check out some of Oikawa’s videos. In between the occasional lifestyle vlog, Oikawa regularly uploaded installments of a self-hosted cooking show. Each episode was shot in professional lighting and wrapped with an overproduced ending theme. Oikawa was terrible at cooking, Kindaichi realized, after watching halfway through the first episode. He was making all sorts of rookie mistakes, from dicing his onions unevenly to using the sharp edge of his kitchen blade to scrape vegetables off the cutting board. Why did people watch this garbage? He supposed he could never underestimate the support of a longstanding fanbase.

He scrolled down to read the comments section. A few were about how they missed Oikawa-san’s acting. Others were nostalgic for his good looks and popularity from 10 years ago. To his satisfaction, more than a few people chastised Oikawa’s inability to dice onions. But the bulk of the comments were about how Oikawa had, apparently, put on some weight.

 _is it just me, or did tooru develop a double-chin… he’s butakawa now lololol_ , said one comment.

 _Oikawa-san you’ve fattened up D:_ , said another.

 _You people are being so mean to Tooru_ , said a third person. _Not everybody gets to age so gracefully._ That one in particular stabbed Kindaichi’s gut with second-hand embarrassment.

Another video in, he began to analyse the source material more critically. Maybe Oikawa could have had his team make heavier edits. He could have brought his off-camera cooking instructor on to rectify the offenses that were particularly egregious, or maybe angle the camera higher to diminish the fat under his jawline. But as the executive producer, Oikawa had made a calculated decision to reproduce these imperfections.

Five episodes later, Oikawa began owning up to some earlier misses. He had read every single comment, even the harsher ones! It was true that he had put on some pounds, but he couldn’t help it; he simply loved chocolate soooo much. He was exercising more these days, and he promised he was gonna lose weight!! He was also going to upload a vlog of him playing some volleyball, very soon. He had been pretty good at volleyball throughout grade school and university, did you know? If you didn’t, there was your piece of Oikawa Trivia for the week.

He was trying to assimilate the bumbling caricature of teenage-heartthrob-turned-eligible-bachelor. The Oikawa Tooru from ten years ago had perpetuated the same strategy on TV. On his first hit drama he played a boy whose defining characteristic was crafting daily bentos for his love interest, serving a refreshing role-reversal gakuen story that had smashed all the Renzoku ratings, which Kindaichi had totally not followed for the entirety of its 26-episode run.

So it was just one of many things Oikawa had to do to stay relevant to his 1.2 million followers on Instagram. Kindaichi went to bed that night reconciling with the fact that he had helped feed into another elaborate scam.

_hey, you said something real nice about me_ , Oikawa texted him the next day. _don’t tell me it’s because you want your senpai to treat you to dinner? then let me go one step further! i’ll make you your favorite dish, how about it?_

Kindaichi thought about it.

 _That’s okay, Oikawa-san,_ he texted back. _It’s thanks for promoting my company. Hopefully you were able to get some good content for your subscribers. Have a great week!_ , and he probably meant that.

**Author's Note:**

> believe it or not i'm actually a fan of the show. catch _Hiro-Meshi_ [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLXtDiOZZxyJjELCkQ0lpSNf_rCCfjVQJ8). have a great week! :)


End file.
